Business 101 - My top business ideas

It was sometime around the early '90s, right after the Revolution, when the new-found freedom of expression brought about a plethora of newspapers and colourful magazines never-before seen in the communist Romania. Stories and pictures of European and American stars or jet-setters were populating the enthralled minds of a people thirsty for the western world. I was a child, so for me, these images were not just passing curiosities, but also things worthy of collecting for later admiring. I had notebooks full of cut-outs with Michael Jackson, Madonna, 90210 – you name it!
One of my biggest projects though was decorating my grandmother’s country backhouse with colourful, interesting and some thought-provoking (sic) pictures and articles. Among them, a small story I told myself I have to remember till my adult years - to see if it came true. It was an account of the business accomplishments of what was predicted to become America’s next billionaire couple: Donald Trump and his wife (Ivana at the time). I looked at their happy picture every time I visited the backhouse and wondered if and when the prediction would come true.
I had my own innovating ideas at the time, and was sure to patent them one day and, why not, join the likes of Trump and Ivana. I wanted to invent a dress made of a special material that would change colours with a drop of colour ink. I later got a two-sided dress/sarafan (jumpsuit) that was either blue or yellow, depending which side you wanted to wear it. It was enough colour changing for me, so I forgot about my magic dress-colour-changing-potion. I wanted to be the first person to write a book that would read multiple ways, depending on how the reader chooses to go through it (I did not really know how to do this, but it seemed like a very advanced concept to me at the time). When I studied modern lit in Canada, I realized that was already known as a “choose your own adventure” book. So I gave up my entrepreneurial ideas for a while. Then I ran into Mr. Trump again, this time on the TV screen! Sure, he didn’t look much like my backhouse photo. His new wife was the age of his daughter, and his hair was a bit thin. But he did make the prediction come true! Well, at least partially. So why would I give up on my own business ideas? Right? Well, here they are, right out of the backhouse of my brain!

1.      The Esspresso-way Coffe Patrol

The elevator pitch:

Imagine your regular morning, driving down to work. You’re a bit sleepy, head is heavy, left in a hurry, had no time to make or buy coffee. Traffic is a bitch. You are stuck, late, and coffee-less. Do not despair! The Esspresso-way Coffee Patrol is here to kick-start your day right! 

You can order and receive your coffee in your car! Our high-speed patrols are equipped with state-of-the-art coffee and espresso makers, and will deliver it straight to your car window. The Patrol mini-cars have special Police permission to run on the highway shoulder, and will be able to track you via GPS. The business can be extended to fast traffic, for sun-roof car customers only – the coffee being delivered in a pressurized can, via bazooka-like device, straight to your coffee-mug holder!

For future development: the Bikespresso Patrol – for Toronto’s busy streets.

Now hiring: skilled bikers and drivers, preferably holding a valid archery permit.

2.      The all-in-one appliance

OK, so you know how you have about 10 electric appliances in your house, right? A normal household will probably have a vacuum, a hairdryer, coffeemaker, toaster, microwave, juicer, mixer, food processor, iron, magic bullet, washing machine, etc. How many of these are you actually using at the same time? Think about it... what? Two? That’s about right, you wouldn’t want to vacuum while making a smoothie, now would you. So. Think of all the time these electronics are NOT being used. Taking up space for no reason. Such a waste of coils, electric resistances and commutators. Why not have a universal motor that can be used as a source to power any of the above, whenever you need that one appliance?

Here’s how it could work. Think of your travel adaptor. Thant thing that you buy at Canadian Tire and has 12 different outputs you can select based on the respective country voltage. OK, well a all-in-one appliance works the same way. You just buy the motor, and then switch up the output for whatever purpose you need at the time. You wouldn’t have to use a hundred cables and store away all your unused appliances. One appliance that does it all! Dries your hair, toasts your bread and washes your dishes! If you invest in this idea, you would be at the forefront of electronic research and innovation! 

3.      Cement Africa! – or Pafrica!  

There is so much construction going on downtown that it got me thinking of all the cement being used. I noticed a lot of the cement-carrying trucks were labelled Holcim, and I knew this company also has production plants in Romania. So I looked it up on wiki – turns out it’s a Swiss company that makes cement all over the world. If you look at their world distribution, the map is almost all covered in red! Except for... you got it! Africa!

Our company proposes to enter the (almost) pristine market of manufacturing cement for Africa! Cement, pavement, roads – these are the blood vessels of great civilizations! The Roman empire rose to greatness due to its roads! Despite national, linguistic and ethnic differences, our company could make history by being the one that cemented Africa! Roads and infrastructure will bring about possibility of transport and commerce, therefore opening the gates for western investors and local prosperity!

Let’s cement Africa together!

Possible competitors: Egypt and China as the area’s most prolific cement manufacturers.

4.      Video Games for Losers

This particular business idea holds a great amount of emotional value for me. I must confess right off the bat that I am the biggest loser! Yes, I have never, ever ever completed a video game. Never killed Bowzer, never saved no princess, recouped any time daggers, finished first in any car race. OK? So. I am sure there are others out there. We need video games for losers!

I don’t care I wasn’t able to make the flying dino eat all those apples, kill those fire-spitting turtles and jump on the freaking pole! I want Bowser to die! And I want to get on to the next level already! I don’t care I ran my car into all the freaking walls, ran over ten people and flew over the bridge into the river! Make all those other stupid cars get into an accident of their own, and give me that damn trophy already! Oh, and I want to upgrade my car to a BMW with all the frizzle stuff too, ok? What? Points? No, I have NOT won any points, just give it to me already, I BOUGHT this freaking game, didn’t I?! So make me the damn winner already!

Videogames for losers. The virtual business of the future.

5.      The DDouble Cooler

This one is for a niche audience. And that’s why it’s gonna be the most successful of all!

Ladies! Let’s talk from woman to woman! We all know our periods suck. Cramps and headaches and nausea no Tylenol has managed to cure. On top of it, our boobs swell up and hurt like a m****r f****r! Apparently it doesn’t happen to all of us, but mine were burning like the freaking sun in July! Seriously.

This is why we need the DDouble Cooler! It’s a bra that cools down the ladies! That’s right! It works pretty much like those patchesthat cool down a strained muscle. Except it’s made to fit like a bra! I don’t know about you, but I would seriously pay big bucks to own this – I’d need at least 12 DDouble Coolers a year!

I’ve had a couple suggestions to extend this to a male audience.. ahem.. apparently they could use something similar... hey, anyone willing to invest? 

And, that, folks, is Business101 by Prof. Petpet. Perhaps I should call up Mr. Trump and see if he can throw a couple hundred k my way... :) Till next time, class!